Still not out of the woods

This last week has been... interesting. I'm having a harder time with this miscarriage than I did last time in 2012, before we had Littlest. I'm not exactly sure why. I definitely had more of a peace about the whole thing last time. And I wouldn't necessarily say I don't have peace this time, it just feels like more of a loss.

I feel so deflated and like there's something definitely missing from me. Part of it may be that I found out so early that I was pregnant. I had 6 weeks to think about names, knitting a hat for the new baby, what dynamic this new person would bring to our family, wondering how my children would welcome this new baby and all the other plans that everyone makes when they find out they're expecting.

Another thing I think has been more difficult is the time it took for the whole process to be over. I thought I was losing the baby on Thursday evening and Saturday night while I was in the ER, we SAW the heart beating on the ultrasound THREE different times! There was always a small glimmer of hope! It wasn't until the following Tuesday that I found out for sure that we had lost the baby. Up until then, I thought it would maybe be ok.

There were so many up-and-downs, emotionally speaking. I feel like I'm still not out of the woods; like I need more time to heal.

So for the last week I've just been laying low. I've also been very emotional and a bit cranky. I won't be winning any Mother of the Year awards, that's for sure.

I'm hoping to start school next week and hopefully that will kick us all into gear and back into some kind of routine. The kids need it so badly. So do I.

If you've miscarried, have you found that some miscarriages were harder than others? It's funny--when you start mentioning miscarriage, you find out it's much more common that you would think.

It has made me so thankful for the beautiful children I do have. Children really are a blessing. And I hope I never take that for granted.


  1. I have only had one miscarriage, but it was also hard because there was hope at first.
    I had what's called a "missed miscarriage" where the baby died, and it took my body several weeks to register that and finally miscarry. At the first sign of a problem, they thought the baby looked small (6 weeks instead of 13) and I hoped desperately that perhaps I just had my dates wrong somehow. I couldn't get in for a proper ultrasound for a couple of days. Those days were an emotional roller-coaster. After I did find out for sure, I still had to wait several days (I think it was more than a week) for my body to finally catch up and complete the process.

    These things are hard! I'm praying for you, sister. Take the time you need to recover. Do you have people around you to help?

  2. Oh, Nelleke. I'm so sorry. :( It *is* so hard when you're just WAITING to find out. That was really hard for me too.

    I'm really blessed to have great friends and family that have been so supportive and helpful. :) And obviously my online friends are just as supportive. ;)

    Thank you for your prayers and kind words.

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  5. I'm sorry for all the multiple comments. I don't know why that happens here.


Thanks for taking the time to comment. It's encouraging!