This last week has been... interesting. I'm having a harder time with this miscarriage than I did last time in 2012, before we had Littlest. I'm not exactly sure why. I definitely had more of a peace about the whole thing last time. And I wouldn't necessarily say I don't have peace this time, it just feels like more of a loss.
I feel so deflated and like there's something definitely missing from me. Part of it may be that I found out so early that I was pregnant. I had 6 weeks to think about names, knitting a hat for the new baby, what dynamic this new person would bring to our family, wondering how my children would welcome this new baby and all the other plans that everyone makes when they find out they're expecting.
Another thing I think has been more difficult is the time it took for the whole process to be over. I thought I was losing the baby on Thursday evening and Saturday night while I was in the ER, we SAW the heart beating on the ultrasound THREE different times! There was always a small glimmer of hope! It wasn't until the following Tuesday that I found out for sure that we had lost the baby. Up until then, I thought it would maybe be ok.
There were so many up-and-downs, emotionally speaking. I feel like I'm still not out of the woods; like I need more time to heal.
So for the last week I've just been laying low. I've also been very emotional and a bit cranky. I won't be winning any Mother of the Year awards, that's for sure.
I'm hoping to start school next week and hopefully that will kick us all into gear and back into some kind of routine. The kids need it so badly. So do I.
If you've miscarried, have you found that some miscarriages were harder than others? It's funny--when you start mentioning miscarriage, you find out it's much more common that you would think.
It has made me so thankful for the beautiful children I do have. Children really are a blessing. And I hope I never take that for granted.